Bean was a missed miscarriage at 9 weeks. I had a D&C a week later. He would have been due on January 31st. Now, I know that most babies are not born on their due date, but that day had been engrained in my head. We should have been bringing a baby home around that time, but instead, I was only 18 weeks with my rainbow baby.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I am very grateful to be carrying my rainbow and experiencing the joys of pregnancy, but that doesn’t take away my grief or the loss. I am allowed to grieve my loss and I am allowed to grieve in any way I see fit.

So, I decided to make that weekend into what I needed. I took Saturday off, the day before the due date. I slept in and ate junk food and watched movies. I allowed myself to be sad and grieve that day. I didn’t do my hair and I didn’t care what I looked like. I stayed in pajamas all day.

Sunday, however, I made myself do something to make me happy. My mom offered to do whatever I wanted whether that be take a ride to the beach or just take a ride. Whatever I needed. We decided to go to Mystic Aquarium because I love penguins and had never been.

I needed that day trip. I didn’t realize it beforehand, but I needed to get out of my house and out of my thoughts. I fell in love with the beluga whales and loved watching them. We saw the penguins and were able to pet the rays.

We didn’t talk about the loss or how I was doing. We focused on the aquarium and the animals and the future. We took pictures of the animals and went through the gift shop. We went out to lunch nearby and just enjoyed each other’s company.

So, if you’re going through a miscarriage, think about what you want to do to honor your due date. But also give yourself time to grieve. You are allowed to grieve for as long as you need to because it was your loss and you go through each day with that loss. But don’t drown yourself in your grief. Have someone there to help you through it. Have someone bring you to the aquarium in January and walk around without complaining of the cold. Have someone spend as much time as you need with you without making you feel bad. Let someone help you because miscarriage is a lonely road to walk alone and having a village is how I’ve coped.

Mom, if you’re reading this, thank you for paying for our tickets to the aquarium and spending a cold Sunday looking at penguins and seals and whales. Thank you for recognizing what I needed that weekend and being someone I can call for support. I hope the days and weeks and months get easier, but I know that if I’m having a hard day, I know I can count on you. I love you, Mom. Thank you for taking the time to honor my loss in a way I could handle.