I had a missed miscarriage at 9 weeks back in June. I underwent a D&C a week later. It took 5 weeks for my period to return and after that, we were told we could start trying to conceive. If you scroll back on my blog, you can find my posts about the miscarriage, procedure, and recovery. 4 cycles and 3 months of trying. On October 26, we received our positive. I cried when we saw the positive.

Fast forward two weeks and it’s a Saturday. I’m 6 weeks. I had just finished working and was about to go to the grocery store. I went to the bathroom before leaving and there was blood in my underwear. Enough to bleed through my underwear onto the joggers I was wearing. I went to wipe and the toilet paper was soaked bright red. I looked down and the toilet water was now tinged red. My heart broke as I took in the scene: I was miscarrying. I tried to call my husband at work, but it went to voicemail. I then called my mom who picked up quickly. Sobbing, I explained the blood and told her I didn’t want to get off the toilet. She said she would be over in 15 minutes. True to her word, she was there in 15 minutes. She was able to get me off the toilet and she called the OB on call for me. We never heard back from the OB on call, but she sat with me for over an hour, and then as the blood started to slow, she took me grocery shopping. I told everyone who knew I was pregnant that I had miscarried.

Two days later, I called my midwife because I hadn’t heard anything. They fit me in that day on her lunch for an ultrasound to confirm the miscarriage. My husband came in with me and to our shock, there was a baby and a heartbeat! The midwife didn’t know why I had been bleeding but told me that it could have been implantation bleeding or just a fluke thing. They scheduled a follow-up ultrasound for a week later. We went home and I put the ultrasound backwards on the fridge. I wasn’t ready to look at him/her. I still wasn’t convinced we were in the clear, but I went and told everyone that it hadn’t been a miscarriage and the baby was okay.

The next day, I was getting ready for work. I still had a couple of hours before my first client, but I was going to do some paperwork before seeing clients. My husband was tying his tie. Again, I went to the bathroom after sneezing a couple of times and feeling like I had peed. Just like Saturday, there was blood. My underwear was soaked, my PJ pants had blood on them. I called for my husband and we called the OB together. During that time, I passed a clot about the size of a quarter. I was convinced it was over. They wouldn’t do another ultrasound that day and wanted to wait until the follow-up ultrasound. I was given a Rhogam shot (because we aren’t positive what my husband’s blood type is and I am A-) and sent home with instructions for modified bed rest. I was to stay on pelvic rest (nothing in the vagina), little exercise, and no heavy lifting. It was a very long week, but I had no more excessive bleeding.

Then, it was the following Wednesday and we had the ultrasound. To say I was terrified was an understatement. I had spent the last week researching anything that caused bleeding in early pregnancy, but I couldn’t fathom there still being a baby after the clot. The clot was just too big for it to be nothing. Finally, the tech came out, but she told my husband he wasn’t allowed in due to COVID. I had to go in alone. I held my breath and stared at the ceiling for what felt like forever until the tech told me to look at my baby’s heartbeat. The baby was fine. During this ultrasound, they found that the source of my bleeding was a subchorionic hematoma. Basically, there was a pool of blood between the lining of my uterus and the outer fetal membrane. In my research, about 2% of pregnancies develop these and most of them resolve and the women go on to have healthy normal pregnancies. My hematoma measured 2.7 by 1.8 cm and encompassed half of the gestational sac. In the ultrasound below, the subchorionic hematoma is at the top where there is what looks like black streaks. You can see it on the side and going up and around the top.

The following week it was Thanksgiving and also the week I was supposed to have my very first ultrasound at 8 weeks. By now, I had already had two ultrasounds, but they kept this one to check the size of the subchorionic hematoma. I was able to get them to allow my mom in with me because she works in the building in a different department. Throughout the week leading up to the ultrasound, I had brown-tinged spotting off and on when I wiped, but no red blood. In the ultrasound, the tech showed how the hematoma had shrunk and I was pleased that night when I got the exact measurements. It was measuring 2 by 0.6 cm. The baby had a very strong heartbeat and we got to hear it for the first time. It was sad that I couldn’t experience that with my husband, but having my mom there with me holding my hand, and hearing the heartbeat together was amazing.

We still have a long way to go before I feel like we don’t have to worry about a miscarriage. We are currently 9 weeks which is when we lost Bean, but it has been such a relief each time we hear the little baby’s heartbeat. I still have all of the ultrasound pictures facing the fridge rather than facing out. I refuse to make a baby registry or buy anything. I don’t look into the future. I take it day by day and hope for the best. I lean on my village and my husband and take time for myself when I need to. This pregnancy has already had a roller coaster of emotions and I’ve already grieved a miscarriage twice, but this little squish is a fighter and for that I am thankful.