It is World Breastfeeding Week so my Tiktok and Instagram are full of people talking about breastfeeding: the good and the difficult. I have been breastfeeding Little Man exclusively since birth, just about six weeks ago. Our breastfeeding journey, though, has not been without struggles. The first couple days were almost impossible. My nipples were bruised, cracked, and bleeding. I dreaded every time he latched on. Thankfully, I was able to see the lactation consultant at the hospital twice which dramatically helped my breastfeeding and his latch and it kept getting better.

The biggest struggle now was that my husband’s nipples were useless. No matter what, I had to get up every time Little Man cried for a feeding and would watch my husband be able to lay down and relax. I was always needed. I couldn’t leave him alone for more than an hour for fear that he would get hungry. Nights were the worst. I struggled at night with breastfeeding. Little Man was incredibly lazy with his latch at night and I felt very isolated at night. During the day, we were doing okay and I enjoyed my time with him.

Then, he hit Leap 1 and a growth spurt at the same time along with having reflux. He was inconsolable unless he was latched with a nipple shield (because I was getting sore from the constant feeding and latching). It was becoming a lot. He didn’t seem satisfied after breastfeeding anymore and would cry constantly during the day until he fell asleep and then we started it all over again. Nights got harder. I started pumping one bottle for my husband to give him to help us both get sleep, but I wasn’t getting more sleep because while he fed Little Man the bottle during the night, I would be pumping.

Finally, we got through the Leap and the growth spurt. He was given meds for the reflux, but still he fussed during the day and didn’t seem satisifed after meals. The other night, I went in to feed him at midnight since that is my shift. He fed for a half an hour and still continued to cry for more after finishing. He fed three times in three hours and still screamed. I was on the floor crying as I bounced a screaming infant. I knew in that moment that I was not okay. I was heading down a dangerous path to postpartum depression which I’m already at a predisposition for having been diagnosed with depression previously. In that moment, while my husband slept, I cried, and my baby screamed, I opened one of the sample containers of formula and tried giving it to him. He didn’t want it. I went back into my bedroom and tapped out, letting my husband take over comforting him.

The next morning, the formula was still in the fridge since he hadn’t had any of it. I had already breastfed Little Man but he still screamed for more so I took out the formula, warmed it up, and gave it to him. In that moment, he was the most satisifed and content little baby. I breathed a sigh of relief. He was fed. He would start gaining more weight rather than gaining slowly, losing percentiles.

When my husband got home, I sat him down and had a serious conversation about feeding and my mental health. I explained that I had been getting more and more upset and depressed at night and struggling with the latch and meeting Little Man’s feeding needs. We made the decision to supplement formula at night and give pumped milk during the day with the occasional breastfeed.

It has been three days of the new feeding plan and I have noticed a significant difference in my mood as well as Little Man. We are both happier and less stressed. He is eating more and better and is satisfied after eating. There are moments that I wish I could have continued to exclusively breastfeed and I have some guilt that I wasn’t able to, but I had to make a decision for both myself and my baby. He needs his mother and he needs to be fed. I won’t apologize for making sure that I am emotionally health for my son because at the end of the day, I would rather him have a healthy, happy mom than be exclusively breastfed by a very depressed, stressed mom. So if you’re unable to breastfeed for whatever reason or you just don’t want to, be kind to yourself. Fed is best and you need to do what works for you, your baby, and your family. Don’t let anyone make you feel bad for taking care of yourself and your baby. You can do both.