I am almost 10 weeks pregnant with my Rainbow Baby, but I would have been 32 weeks this week with my Bean. I have been thinking a lot about Bean lately and I’m not entirely sure why. I have had a few scares with this pregnancy and was diagnosed with a subchorionic hematoma. I don’t feel anything towards this baby and after every ultrasound, while I breathe a sigh of relief that the baby is okay, I’m not over the moon about it. I do believe this is to protect myself in the event of another loss.

But I’ve started to do some research into starting a baby registry and thinking ahead to what my summer will look like being due July 4th. In doing that, I’ve started thinking about what my life would have been like had I not miscarried Bean. He would be a little over 5 months old by July 4th. It would have been nice since my parents rent a beach cottage in Maine every August and he would have been a good age to bring him for the first time. With this pregnancy, I might only be a month postpartum and I don’t know how the beach would go with a 4-week old infant. I feel bad that I would be missing out on that tradition if I can’t go.

At this time, I would have moved my office so that that room could become the nursery. I would have a big belly and would be spending the last two months nesting and preparing (and maybe freaking out as well). I thought about that shoveling today because it would have been hard to shovel the heavy wet slush while 7 months pregnant.

It’s hard not to think about the what-ifs when it comes to miscarriage because there are so many what-ifs. Having a baby and becoming a mom drastically changes your life and your perspective… so does a miscarriage. I was told by my therapist that I should think about these what-ifs because it’s bad for my mental health, but how can I not? Bean was my child and was part of me for 9 weeks. I will always think about Bean. Maybe it will just be in passing or maybe I will have a difficult day or two, but that’s grief and it’s normal. Grief isn’t linear and it isn’t one-size-fits-all. Grief is an individual journey that has its ups and downs, especially when you’re pregnant with your rainbow baby. So, I apologize for this rant but it’s been weighing on my mind, and writing things out helps me deal with them.