I am 16 weeks pregnant. I still cannot believe it. After all the troubles of my first trimester, I assumed I would feel much better since the risk of miscarriage has decreased drastically, but I still worry. It could be because this month would have been Bean’s due date. In the last 3 weeks, we have announced the pregnancy on Facebook as well as learned the gender. Each time I have posted news about Baby Boy on Facebook, I feel like it’s a lie. I feel like I should be happier about this news, but it’s hard for me to feel happy so close to Bean’s due date. We should have been preparing for Bean’s arrival soon, but instead, we found out our rainbow baby’s gender.

It was amazing to go to a private ultrasound and find out the gender of our baby with my husband since he hasn’t been able to see the baby since the ultrasound at 6 weeks. It was difficult to hear that Baby Squish is a boy because I had always seen Bean as a boy since we lost him and now I just feel like we’re replacing him. I know we’re not replacing him, but it’s difficult.

I also didn’t realize how difficult this month would be, pregnant or not. I thought that I had finished grieving Bean and the miscarriage, but I hadn’t realized how hard this month would be. I think it’s worse because everyone is so happy about this baby and talking about it. We’re also getting ready to prepare his nursery. Through all of this, I feel very alone because no one talks about the loss and everyone just expects me to be excited for July, but I also want to recognize what I have lost, not just what I’m about to gain.