Today I am 32 weeks pregnant with my rainbow baby boy. I should have a three-month-old if I hadn’t miscarried. I’ve been told I shouldn’t think of the what-could-have-been, but how could I not? Everyone wished me a happy mother’s day today, but am I a mother? At what point do we decide if a woman is a mother? Is it when she gets pregnant? Is it when the baby is born? At what point during pregnancy do we say that you are now a mother? So, when did I become a mother?

I didn’t know how to act today because, yes, I am the proud mum of two fur babies, but am I the mother of my own flesh and blood? I don’t know when I will be able to look forward towards the future and not be stuck in the what-if-I-didn’t-miscarry grief, but I guess it wasn’t today.

It makes me wonder about other women who are trying to get pregnant, who have miscarried, or who have struggled to get pregnant. How are they coping with Mother’s Day? Do they feel like their feelings of loss and feeling left out of the celebrations valid? This holiday just isn’t as straight forward as I used to think it was.