It has been just about two months since I had my D&C. September would have been 5 months. We would have been finding out Bean’s gender this month. I still think Bean was a boy. I also could have found out I was pregnant again this weekend. It has been two weeks since we started trying again and I didn’t realize how hard it would be. I don’t know what could make it easier. My desire for a child has only grown stronger in the past month.

I spent several days on vacation with my family this past week. I thought it would be a good distraction so that I wouldn’t sit in front of my calendar, waiting for the day I could test to see if two lines would show up. Now, don’t get me wrong, it was nice to get away after spending the last almost six months working from home and staying at home, but it also made me realize I am very alone in my struggle to have a baby.

You see, my sister is younger than me and still in college so having a child is not at the forefront of her mind. My mom never miscarried. She had two healthy pregnancies that resulted in two healthy girls. I find it hard to take to either of them about my miscarriage because they don’t understand. They kept telling me that “it will happen when it happens,” “don’t push it,” or “maybe it wasn’t the right time for a baby.” I can tell you right now that none of that was helpful. It stung.

And I know that I am a little crazy when it comes to trying to conceive. I love looking up baby things and how to announce a baby. And you might say that I am torturing myself, but in reality, I am trying to think positively. I have this nasty habit of worrying about the worst-case scenario and I want to override that. But to my family, that is perceived as being crazy and trying too hard. But what they don’t understand is that I had a child. I was planning for a newborn and all of that was taken away from me and I have no one to talk to about it who gets it.

I want to be able to talk to someone about how difficult it was to stare at the pregnancy test on Thursday, 10 DPO (days past ovulation), and see only one line, or to see only one line on Saturday, 12 DPO. I so desperately thought I was pregnant. I was constipated, exhausted, slightly nauseous, warmer than usual: it was all real to me. But it wasn’t. I am not pregnant this cycle and part of me thinks I am a fool to think that I could be, but we had gotten pregnant our first month trying the first time. I desperately wanted that this time. Some people say that there is still a chance I could be pregnant since my period hasn’t arrived yet, but it’s just giving me false hope. I have every reason to believe my period will arrive in the next couple days and part of me is anticipating that because I want to get to ovulation again to try again.

I hope that if you are going through a miscarriage, you have someone to talk to because it is very lonely when no one understands. And I don’t blame those who don’t understand because until I went through it, I couldn’t imagine the pain and the grief.

I hope that the next cycle is the one. I hope that I end up pregnant with my rainbow baby soon because I am watching all of these women on my Facebook and Instagram get pregnant during this quarantine and at one point, I was one of them… and it’s hard not to think of what could have been because right now I feel like I’m trying to navigate through a massive storm towards a light that is obscured by thick raindrops and I just hope this storm lets up soon. Until then, I am going to keep pushing myself along and trying my best to keep my head above water. I’ll throw myself into my hobbies and taking pictures until I can finally take pictures of my own little nugget.