My period came 32 days after surgery. The weeks and days leading up to my period, I started looking up what to expect with my first period, but there wasn’t a lot of information regarding what your first period would look like after a D&C. The information was very broad saying that my period would return within 4 to 6 weeks and it might be heavier or lighter than usual. I like knowing what to expect. It helps with my anxiety. But I didn’t know what to expect or when to expect my period. I spent a week and a half prior to getting my period with cramps off and on. I wasn’t sure how I would feel getting my first period after losing Bean. I was expecting it to be hard and had told my husband that I might need extra support as my body was flooded with hormones. I thought I was handling things very well, but then in a session with my therapist, she told me I was focusing too much on my baby’s death by anxiously anticipating my period and being worried I would have a hard time with it. I took that as “you’re grieving wrong.” How could I be grieving wrong? And why was she the judge of that? In my eyes, I was doing okay. I had identified that my first period would be difficult and had talked to my husband about possibly needing extra support from him. It was a valid request. I already know for a fact that PMS hits me hard to begin with (I become a very angry and hungry person), but it was also the signal of the next step; Bean was officially gone and it was time to move on. I deserved to fall apart for a day or two over that. 

Surprisingly, I got my period on a Saturday and I was shocked that it didn’t affect me that much. If anything, I felt relieved that it was finally here and that we could move on to trying to conceive. I went about my day and met up with my mom for a pedicure. I felt okay and it was nice to be pampered and get my toes done. 

However, the second day of my period was harder. I was anxious all day and nothing would calm me down. I tried doing things that I could control that normally help like cleaning and playing a favorite game. Nothing helped. It wasn’t until close to the time I was going to bed that I felt better. 

I think that my anxiety was related to trying again. I am terrified that I will lose my next child and I’m worried that I will never have a child. I’m worried about what comes next. But my period is coming to an end and we are now officially cleared to start trying to conceive again. My thyroid is back to being managed and I have had a period. I just hope we don’t have to wait too long.

If you are reading this and waiting for that first period to show up, your feelings are valid. It is okay to fall apart. It is okay to be angry or sad or happy or relieved. Wherever you are in your grieving process, you are doing great. Don’t listen to the people telling you to get over it or move on. You do what you need to do to get through this difficult time. Surround yourself with people who will validate you and support you.